Energetic CockBlocking: The Toxic Mimic of Feminine Discernment
Part I: The Invitation
Two days ago, Max presented me with a big, fat, high-risk, high-sensation invitation to advance our relationship into a whole new holon of The Game.
It involves money, my business, and a deep surrender of my *seeming* independence.
I listened quietly, turned towards him, and then proceeded to 'interview' him. Slowly and 'sweetly', I asked him over a dozen questions that were more of an attempt to excavate any places of HIS shadow then better understand the Terms of the opportunity that Max had presented me with. I felt very 'in my right' as I asked question after question. It felt important to me to understand his motivations, his 'secret' hopes and desires. I *felt like* I was deep in my 'Feminine discernment'.
We ended the conversation to eat a little dinner and go into the sauna together. It was during the sauna session that Max withdrew the invitation. He said he felt my resistance closer to the surface than my desire. He also said that he could feel my desire IN my resistance, as these are tones of expression along the same spectrum -- but that my resistance was too deeply an expression of the way I was keeping my desire in shadow, so he was now a No to the Invitation he had powerfully created for me only one hour earlier.
(Such BRILLIANT demonstration of Max's potent Masculine leadership and his constant commitment to clarity and energetic precision.)
It wasn't emotional and I was able to fully see and own that I hadn't expressed clean desire.
BUT HERE IS THE FIRST PART OF THE SHADOWY BIT:
I *was* a YES to the experience Max was inviting me into with him~ AND~ I was energetically cock-blocking him because I wasn't yet willing to be responsible for MY DESIRE.
Max was absolutely accurate in the fact that he SENSED the Yes-ness of my desire and turn-on ~ but my BEHAVIOR and communication was one of resistance.
Its one thing when this happens psychically/energetically between Lovers/Partners -- but this EXACT SHADOW is what is AT CAUSE of MASSIVE NUMBERS of sexual violation in our culture. I was turned-on, wanted the ride that Max was inviting me into, and used coyness and FALSE DISCERNMENT to try to unconsciously manipulate Max, because I was intimated by the voltage of my own desire.
In other words, I didn't trust MYSELF enough to open into a clean Yes, so I projected my distrust onto Max, by drilling HIM about HIS motives, instead of attuning to what was TRUE for ME.
Energetically, cock-blocking is always a form of avoiding the penetration that SOME PART of you actually DEEPLY DESIRES but is afraid to fully HAVE -- especially when its with a man you massively respect and deeply love.
⚡️ PART II: Sex as my Master Teacher
As soon as Max came to bed that night and our lips gently grazed to kiss good night, a massive vortex of erotic energy emerged between us. This is the essential nature of our erotic connection ~ and/but ~ since Roxie's (our beloved Shihtzu) transition 9 days ago, we have arrived at a seemingly impossibly even deeper harmonic of penetration. (I will tell you why briefly here, but there is a larger piece on this in the works...) The reason for this massive erotic portal that we are inside of presently is because my heart is uttterly blasted open in grief and *therefore* — in LOVE.
The most important thing a woman needs to understand about Feminine Eros is that her heart/sex axis is 'the call'. And right now, my heart/sex axis is emanating an extremely high voltage of primal, PURE Love that is one of the deepest blessings of Grief's ravishing.
In direct energetic and geometric 'law', the Heart/Sex axis within Max is primally, profoundly responding to the truth of my opening....which is presently electric, massive, and blown wide open. This means that our sex is being fed by the intensity of the cosmic 'widening' I am inside of -- which we are both willing to meet in its fullness, and well, Max....being Max....is able to exponentiate into the realms of the unimaginable.
On this night, our sex....our love-making and our primal fucking...was supra-natural.
I opened to receive Max's penetration in ALL DIMENSIONS: full-spectrum holographic, orgasmic, primal, telepathic, timeless, galactic, primordial obliteration and dissolution of self into sacred Nothingness.
And because Eros is my Master Teacher in this incarnation, I learn about LIFE and REALITY and CONSCIOUSNESS itself through Sex. Amongst far more mystical and polarizing realizations, the thing that my/our sex taught me that night is a terrestial lesson in *contrast*:
In 98% of our partnership, I energetically and physically connect with Max with my legs, sex and heart wide open.
I don't say or FEEL a no to our sex *ever* because there is no need for me to do so. His erotic desire IS the pure outpicturing of *my* erotic desire.
But...there are 2 spots within our relationship where my symbolic legs are initially, energetically closed to Max. In these specific areas, I have been unconsciously (and so disrespectfully) 'making him' *prove* to me that he is worthy of me opening to receive his penetration. In these 2 domains, I will eventually open to him....but on the shadow-stained terms of *my* egoic "rightness".
Said differently: I have been surreptitiously running a super covert version of the same ugly Feminine arrogance and entitlement that I (lovingly) firehose out of my clients.
If this dynamic were conscious, it would sound something like this:
"Oh Sweetheart, I just LOVE your penetration.
I desire it here in my pussy....and I desire it here in my womb....and I desire it here in my heart....and I definitely desire it here in my bank account....and I desire here in my lifestyle....and I for sure desire it here in all the ways you help me and create for me.....BUT....well, No, Sweetheart, I don't desire your penetration HERE where I am avoidant or over HERE where I am not willing to be responsible for my own power.
You see, Sweetheart, these are the places I don't yet TRUST MYSELF -- so drenched in my own unconsciousness, I project these slivers of my distrust in my SELF onto YOU, and then USE MY DISTRUST IN MYSELF AS A REASON to close myself to you, to cockblock you....and require you to prove YOUR trust-worthiness to SAVE ME from the places I am not yet willing to be responsible FOR MY OPENING and MY DESIRE."
Shadow-complected gameplay to the hilt.
In other words, I have secretly rigged a racket built into about 2% of our relationship that states that I get to cherry pick the places where his energetic penetration is "good" and welcome and where its NOT. (For the record: RECEIVING PENETRATION WHEN WE ARE A TRUE NO IS CALLED RAPE. This is not what I am referring to.)
My shadow-laced Feminine arrogance and entitlement was setting the conditions under which I would open to Max. And because his BRILLIANT terrifying invitation to me touches *exactly* one of my gauntlets (aka: a place where i am not yet willing to be responsible for the truth of my desire and power), I cockblock the intensity of the penetration that I *actually* DESIRE in the name of "DISCERNMENT".
This particular move oh so conveniently lets me avoid being responsible for my own OPENING and DESIRE.
IMPORTANT NOTES: Feminine Discernment is vital and necessary and life-affirming (well, until its not, but thats an entirely different level of Feminine awakening....)
In the timeless myth of Psyche + Eros, one of Psyche's primary initiations that kept her *alive* was seen in her capacity to SORT --- which is essentially, the capacity to use her discernment to determine "this from that." -- A YES FROM A NO.
Women -- especiallllllllly Feminine women -- need discernment.
But.... there is something that the One Taste teachers (which is not at all my lineage ~ but I teach with former OT leaders so I have learned just enough to be dangerous, I am afraid 😉 ) called the "Toxic Mimic". And right now, so many women **USE** the Toxic Mimic of Discernment as a way of controlling men, and cock-blocking the very penetration we say we want -- (and actually do want, once we can lift our desire out of the shadow of irresponsibility.)
We use the Toxic Mimic of Discernment as a way of justifying our resistance in attempt to avoid being RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN DESIRE and OUR OWN OPENING.
This is super dirty, irresponsible relational game play, ladies.....and just to be clear: I am not shaming women -- nor myself. I just caught myself red-handed rocking these disrespectful, irresponsible moves and feel like its a meaningful teaching opportunity, thus this on-the-fly transmission.
Through both the metaphor and primal contrast that the Master Teacher of Sex always illuminates for me, I was able to somatically FEEL the way I have been cherry picking all the incredible ways Max potently penetrates me AND the ways that I have been cockblocking him, drive to my head (leave my body) and then overlay the sneaky toxic mimic of my "DISCERNMENT" as a decoy to my being able to say:
"Here is what is TRUE for me:
I am in massive desire of this ride -- AND -- I do not want to be responsible for my massive desire for this ride." 👁
This move attempts to abdicate being RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN DESIRE onto Max / the Masculine...ie: "OH, Sweetheart, please be responsible for *my* desire FOR ME."
After our cosmic lovemaking, I was up for hours, as is often the case. Once again, my entire sense of self and consciousness was being energetically re-organized. In the early morning light after journaling by flashlight for hours, I sent Max (who was sleeping 1 foot away from me) this text:
"I am so much more powerful when I let myself belong to you."
And thus began this particular initiation and deepening....
⚡️ Part 3: Max's Mastery
The epic kicker in this whole situation is that Max, in his relentless mastery and game play, has temporarily withdrawn the invitation that I was in shadow desire of receiving. And now (predictably!) ...I am DRIPPING IN DESIRE and in full approval of my YES-NESS to his (still terrifying...but alchemized to drenching turn-on) invitation to me.
Max creates massive, nearly psychedelic, energetically precise relational experiences for me -- and part of my co-creational mastery with him is that I am able to recognize them as such.
With untold brilliance and perhaps with a little touch of sacred sadism that he has cultivated on my behalf, he has turned the tables. Now, the invitation to create with him at a more advanced expression of our partnership is off the table UNTIL **I** can demonstrate a deeper degree of *MY* trust-worthiness.
In other words..... I am now literally choking on my desire and *begging* for the very penetration that I had attempted to cockblock.
As it should be. 🔥