THE "EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE" MAN
I remember when this term first showed up...and it was cracking me up because it was this new way of describing men. Before then, our favorite way was to accuse them of being "non-committal" which is hilarious because it's been revealed in multiple ways that its actually WOMEN who tend to be non-committal, NOT MEN. "Emotionally unavailable" became a popular way of describing a man that we were rejecting.
Honestly, I haven't ever encountered such a man -- and I have studied hundreds and hundreds of men DIRECTLY and thousands indirectly and what we have seen its that *ITS NORMAL FOR MEN TO HAVE A VERY DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP TO THEIR EMOTIONS -- and to the REVEALING OF THEIR EMOTIONS.*
And what I have found is that it actually has to do with
HOW SAFE ARE WE, AS WOMEN?
ARE WE SAFE FOR A MAN TO BE EMOTIONAL AROUND AND TO REVEAL HIS EMOTIONS?
HOW *YOU* listen to a man and how YOU react to a man will have EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIS "EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY" in *your presence*.
~ Alison Armstrong, acclaimed teacher + author of The Queen's Code and Understanding Men.
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I literally sat and transcribed this word by word from an old tele-class of Alison's in between sessions this morning. Why? Because I believe that it is so VITAL that we, as WOMEN, understand the ways that we are actively creating our experience of -- and with -- men.
* Do you hear how common this term has become and the way we women use this as righteous and diminishing shorthand or 'code' for failing to have our needs met with a man?
* Do you hear how this term places the locus of control of our experience OUTSIDE ourselves and instead, projects blame (and therefore collapses women into the unconscious role of VICTIM. ie: It's HIM....*not me*.)
It's HIS fault because *HE* is "emotionally unavailable".
* Do you hear the way we as women (and men, too....it's just different use cases) use language and names and labels to justify our own pain of not having our needs fully met by blaming one another?
* Do you hear how Alison, in her disarming and gentle way, calls women forward to CO-CREATE the experience WE SAY WE WANT TO HAVE with men? We literally create and use terms that perpetuate *proven*, sociologically UNSOUND and INACCURATE beliefs about men, inject it into the collective, and then seek collusion from other women to support the experience WE ARE GENERATING about men.
I know that sharing my exploration of "the masculine" certainly isn't fashionable in light of #metoo and the horrendous behavior of our Dark Tyrants (Dark Tyrants in Crisis being one of the core specialties in my practice so I know a thing or two about this type of power-addicted man).
I also know that I will likely once again be told all the lovely "Gillian is in bed with the patriarchy" things....and that's totally ok with me because I know the truth of my transmission. I know that my words and "lens" touches deeply-- and darkly -- into a vein of collective activation -- and that this work is a knife's edge...it's delicate and I will make mistakes and fall down again + again. I have given myself permission to do just that -- because IT'S WORTH IT TO ME to illuminate the ways that *we as women hold the keys to the very cage we say we want to be free from*.
And I know that (seemingly counter-intuitively) WHO I AM ACTUALLY SERVING is the FEMININE (women, children, animals, and the planet) by serving men in my practice because I know how painful it is to fail at having my own needs met by men. I also know that THERE IS ANOTHER WAY to LIVE and to LOVE....but it requires that we let go of the toxic programming you (and I) have been drowning in. I share my writing and my "Man R+D" because I see and feel the pain in the Collective created and experienced by our own selves, including ME -- and its important to understand our embedded context as men and women. Truly, the exact POISON
WE HAVE BEEN STUNG BY ALSO CONTAINS THE ANTIDOTE.
This is scar work.
It is deeply vulnerable and at times, excruciating.
It requires letting go of all the cultural hooks we have been programmed to believe are realL...and just stand there...quiet, our palms open, our hearts soft and curious, our armoring gently set aside. This is not what we are being "trained" and conditioned to do or be as women.
AND IT IS KILLING US.
Perpetuated false terms such as "the emotionally unavailable man" are *engineered* to KEEP US afraid, diminished, and SEPARATE from one another. Our language CREATES....choose what it is that you are willing to believe and SPEAK INTO THE WORLD powerfully.
All of you is welcome here...including your rage. Including your growing strength of heart and capacity to make new choices for your self and your life, moment by moment.
I am doing the same, walking next to you in the unknown.
I close with Alison's words ...and I invite you, just for a moment, to soften into the potent possibility of CREATING, *TOGETHER*:
"HOW *YOU* listen to a man and how YOU react to a man will have EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIS "EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY" in *your presence*."
~ Alison Armstrong
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Love you.